Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Butt-Fugly Building of the Week-- June 14th

Guild House

711 Spring Garden Street

Jesus Fuck, where do I begin with this piece of shit?
                   What an embarrassment. I have an architecture book that has only ONE building in it from Philadelphia. THIS ONE. This building endlessly gets its ass kissed by everyone. Well not me. I think this Heap of Hungry Horseshit should be demolished and replaced by a surface lot full of quicksand. Willis G. Hale sheds tears in Valhalla every time this building is complimented.
                   The first rule of art and design is: If you have to explain it, it sucks. The longer the explanation, the more full of shit the artist/designer is. It's pretty safe to say that no other piece of design in this city breaks that rule more than Guild House. This pile of ass is supposed to be super-fucking architecturally important. It is a symbol of Post-Modernism, also known as Piece-of-Shitism.
                    It all began when the local Quakers wanted to build a retirement home. They didn't know what they were getting themselves into. Robert Venturi, architect of this atrocity, was sick of Modernism. He designed this building as a reaction to it, by purposefully making it ugly and ordinary in order to match other ugly buildings in the neighborhood. Yeah, that'll help. The world of architecture must have had some low-ass standards at the time (it was the 60's), because for some reason, this made him some kind of King Shit of Architects and the Father of Piece-of-Shitism. 
                   Venturi is such a dick that he placed a non-functional gold-plated aluminum TV antenna at the top as a symbol to represent old people, because apparently all they do is watch TV. What a kick in the teeth to the very people who would be using this building. That's like designing a Catholic Church and putting a statue of a priest baloney-washing an altar boy at the top. It's just not nice. Luckily, the antenna blew off the roof a long time ago and was never replaced.
                   Then he's gonna put a big fucking sign with the name of the building on it right over the door. This is a private residence, not a commercial building. Other buildings with big signs on them are for advertising, not just to announce who the fuck they are. I'm sick of buildings calling themselves a house. Guild House, Parkway House, Ben Franklin House, ALL FUCKING BUILDINGS! That's like me calling my car a tractor trailer. It's just not fucking true!!!
                  Don't make the mistake of actually reading about this Castle of Broken Cocks. All you'll find is a bunch of snippets that do the noble job of kissing the ass of every possible detail seen on the facade of this pile of puke. One of them literally says, describing the windows, " ...they not only were windows but they looked like and reminded you of windows". WHAT THE FIST-FUCK? You can't make that shit up.  Some even compliment the ugly chain-link fence around it. They must all be architects trying to get into Venturi's crappy firm.
                   You want to know the worst part? The WORST PART? This building will never be demolished... it's historically registered. That's right. In 2004, some Phd with too much time on his hands made an impassioned plea to get this Asshole of Aries preserved forever. I think the opposite should happen. We should demolish it and remove it from all historical accounts. Venturi is now of the age apropos to reside in Guild House. He should be forced to move out of his mansion and live here as punishment for bringing Piece-of-Shitism to the world. I wish my ass was a cannon so I could shoot my shit on it.


  1. You're telling me that this nasty ass piece of shit isn't a methadone clinic? Because that's what I always thought it was.

  2. Nope, it's Philly's greatest architectural treasure. I'd rather have the world's tallest methadone clinic than this piece of asscrack.

  3. I must have confused it for the 40 methadone clinics and washy-washes within two blocks of the building.

  4. Often a buildings are considered ugly a generation after they were built and are knocked down by myopic people. This was the fate of the lot of lost Frank Furness treasures which we today can only marvel at when we see pictures of them.

    Other times buildings over time get stripped down to make them cheaper to maintain or they merely get really dirty, and the greatness is lost.

    That said, I suspect Guild House didn't ever not suck. Guild House is one of those buildings you read about and when you finally see it, it is a true "what the fuck?" moment. Jesus there ain't one bit of wow in that POS. Even the front doors suck. It's suckiness is truly impressive, and maybe it deserves historical status for that.

  5. All we need is Andre and Billy Ross and we have a Happy Hour in this blog...lol.

  6. i took an architecture appreciation course in college and the prof loved this POS. It was right then & there that I first began to question the value of alot of higher education.

  7. this pos reminds me of another pos; frank crowley courts building - dallas, tx


  8. Being listed on the National Register doesn't mean that it won't be torn down. Registered buildings are torn down all the time. The NR is honorary and is meant to provide a record for places that contribute to American history, culture, or architectural development, which this building does (unfortunately). Listing it doesn't mean that it's not a visual abortion or that it should necessarily be saved.