Butt-Fugly Building of the Week-- May 17th

1352 Lofts

1352 South Street

Ugh.

                      This is one of those crazy buildings where cool-looking on the inside trades off for ridiculous looking on the outside. This crazy motherfucker of a building stands as an ugly gravestone for the mid 2000's housing boom. Though highly anticipated when it was built, the end result ended up looking like horsetrash and caused way more trouble than it was worth.
                     Just look at this asswall. The facade can't make up its mind. It can't decide if it wants to be brick, glass, black panels, or exposed concrete. The big-ass openings for the big-ass balconies look dumb.. like they forgot to finish the rest of the brick. The units inside look pretty damn awesome but the exterior suffers as a result. Oh and they named the building after its address, which I hate.
                      Ah, that housing boom. When there were like 200 building proposals going at the same time and an assload of cranes, big and small, in the air. The 1352 Lofts project was going to bring that shitbird 1300 block of South Street into the next epoch. Remember when this part of South Street when it was all empty lots and you could see deep into Hawthorne?

March 2004 Aerial view. South Street runs along the bottom.

                      It was just empty lot after empty lot after empty lot. You could see the front doors of rowhouses from a quarter mile away! One of the worst empty lots among this collection was one that stretched along half the length of the 1300 block... a pitiful scar on South Street, at that time a much more happening destination than it is today.
                      Enter Rimas Properties. They took this pitiful lot among pitiful lots and planned a mixed-use loftzilla for people who want to plunk down over a million dollars to live on a crappy part of South Street. This is one of those fun proposals where's there's like 800 variations on the rendering. Here's just a few:

One of the early ones. Its all glass and has a sign like the Arts Bank one on the corner.

When construction started in 2005, this was the plan. Getting closer.. still has that sign on the roof.

Finally, it's done. Is it just me or do they make less and less sense as they go?

                   Though just one in a forgettable milieu of proposed projects at the time, this one got way more publicity than it could ever want once it was complete. The sidewalk in front of the building, which ramps up as the street grades down, stuck way further out than anyone thought it would. People went apeshit complaining that you couldn't roll a stroller down the street and that the ramp nearly reached the lampposts. They called it a "land grab" and demanded action. Numerous articles and blog posts were written about the situation.
                    The developer went fucking bananas over the bad publicity (even threatened to sue message board posters at Phillyblog for talking shit) and tried to work the whole deal out with the dirty-ass city government. Eventually, the developer caved and had the ramp jackhammered back, leaving a concrete strip along the front of the building, making it look even more rigoddamndiculous.
                     The retail spaces, to this day, are having a hard time getting filled. Though not very tall, the concrete ramp is like a wall that's trying to keep you out of the stores. Bobby Chez was in one for quite awhile but ended up leaving... a shame really, they would have done better in another part of town. Currently, a pediatric dentist is using one of the fronts (wow exciting South Street lol) and the rest are empty as fuck.
                     This block may be experiencing a little pick-up soon, due to lots of new infill construction and the new boring-ass NIMBY modified apartment building that's about to go up in the crappy garden at Broad and South. No matter how nice this block one day gets, this ugly ass bastard behemoth will still live, fucking up the whole space. Away with you, building!!

Arial view as of last October. Way less empty.

Lost Building of the Week-- May 16th

Joseph Harrison Jr. Mansion

221 South 18th Street

This is one guy's house. Image from the PAB.

                        This is it. This was the house that made Rittenhouse Square out of Shittenhouse Square. Without this mansion and associated properties,  no one would give two shits about Rittenhouse today. On top of all that, its pretty fucking awesome-looing.
                        Joseph Harrison, Jr. had tritanium balls and a dilithium dick. This self-made gazillionaire made his fortune by building Russia's entire railway stock for the Czar Nicholas II, spending five years getting the job done, two years trying to get paid for it, and another two years tooling around Europe. He made a triumphant return to Philadelphia in 1852, at this point rich and famous.
                       Once back in Philafuckingdelphia, Harrison went straight to work. He purchased the entire 18th Street side of Rittenhouse Square, which was essentially a No Man's Land, and the 1701 block of Locust Street. Then Harrison went to Giga-architect of doom Samuel Sloan and commissioned an entire row of houses for upper class folks for the Locust Street block and a gigantic super-mega mansion for himself facing Rittenhouse Square. Behind the properties would be an enclosed private park for all the residents of these houses.
                   

.... because there's no other park near Rittenhouse Square?

                    When construction was complete in 1857, the most badass go-getters in town moved right in. Other super-rich motherfuckers followed along and built their mansions on and around the Square, cementing the neighborhood in as the Place to Be for people with way too much money for the next 150+ years.
                     Harrison's mansion was based on a fancy mansion he saw in St. Petersberg. It was a mega-gigantic superhouse fit for a goddamn king. That garden in the back was like the Pilot Episode of Rittenhouse Park as we know it today. It was one of the finest homes Center City would ever see.

The rear of the mansion with private park.

                     In 1860, the business climate in the city and the country sucked. Harrison wanted nothing to do with the North-South conflict (especially because he sympathized with the Confederates), so he bitched the fuck out and stayed in England until the war was over. There, he improved on his own steam engine-related technologies. Once Harrison returned to Philadelphia in late 1863, he practically took over the place. He joined the Union League despite hating the Union and was instrumental in organizing the Great Central Fair of 1864 (which was a HUGE deal at the time), especially in promoting the fair's art exhibit.
                     Harrison was a huge art collector. You know all that good shit at the Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts? The portraits of the Founding Fathers that you see in every history book? That Peale Museum painting? Those were his. An entire wing of the Harrison Mansion was a massive exhibit of his 400 art pieces in his attempt to create a permanent collection for the city. He was even commissioning art from American artists while hiding in Europe during the war.
                   After Harrison's death in 1872, his widow continued to stay the house until she died in 1912. That's when Edward T. Stotesbury, another rich motherfucker, bought the gigantic home and loaned it to the Emergency Aid Committee of Philadelphia. By the mid-1920's, the super-mega-rich had moved away from Rittenhouse, leaving only the moderately mega-rich behind. It was that generation who saw way too many dollar signs in demolishing the old mansion and Harrison Row (the houses on the property) in order to build the Penn Athletic Club and Warwick Hotel. Oh well.
                       That courtyard in the back was probably pretty fucking awesome, but the buildings it was replaced with are pretty cool too. The next time you're enjoying Rittenhouse Square, remember that none of that shit would be any good if Joseph Harrison Junior hadn't moved in.

Empty Lot of the Week-- May 15th

Pitiful Pine Lot

Northeast Corner of 17th and Pine Streets

Aaaaaarggh!!!!!!!!!

               How the hell did this happen? A perfectly good piece of prime Rittenhouse Square area real estate just sitting there, parking cars? A corner property? What in the fuck!?!?! 19,045 square feet of asphalt cockfucks sitting on some expensive-ass land.
               Read more at the Philadelphia Citypaper's Naked City Blog!

Old-Ass Building of the Week-- May 14th

Greble Building

1708 Chestnut Street

                     This little mangled-up beauty on the 1700 block of Chestnut Street is one of those buildings that reminds you that you have to keep looking up. What seems like the usual Chestnut Street storefront becomes a Monstrous Marble-Cutting Dungeon from the Baron of the Baroque, Willis G. Hale.
                    Read more later today at Hidden City Philadelphia!!

Butt-Fugly Public Art of the Week-- May 10th

Christoper Columbus Monument by Venturi, Scott Brown and Associates

Columbus Boulevard at Dock Street

Is that supposed to be what Columbus's dick looked like? Pic from ZoomAndGo.com

                      This thing looks ridiculous, and gets worse and worse as you get closer to it. The Columbus Memorial is probably the ugliest obelisk in the history of civilization. One of the biggest pieces of public art in the city, this steel Columbus Cock gives all Philadelphia public art a bad name.
                     Since 1975, the official quincentennial anniversary celebration of Chistopher Columbus's landing in the New World was being planned for Philadelphia. Endless groups and committees and corporations were created to plan the massive two-day international parade and party. In 1989, one of the groups, the American 500 Corporation, commissioned what would become the piece de resistance of the event, a massive quincentennial memorial that was touted as "changing the skyline".
                   When people heard "changing the skyline" they went nuts over it. To actually effect the Philadelphia skyline, it would have to be HUGE!! Then they got Robert Venturi's firm, the demons behind the butt-fugly Guild House and other assorted atrocities, to come up with the design. Big mistake! Venturi's people created a steel tower of panels that hang from a central pole. At the top would be a weathervane shaped like Italy and Spain's flags and the bottom would be walls of useless text.

The maquette of an early version of the design.

                  The super-geniouses at Venturi thought that the memorial should be an obelisk, since Columbus was Italian and many obelisks can be found in Rome. That's just dumb. The only reason Rome has obelisks is because Ancient Roman emperors thought the ones in Egypt were cool, so they would either capture them or build copies. In later centuries, popes thought they were cool so some more were built and so on and so on... but really, obelisks are for Egyptians. Using an obelisk in this way to memorialize Columbus would be like using a statue of Alyssa Milano to memorialize the Tokugawa Shogunate.

At about the same time the Columbus Memorial was being created, Allysa Milano was very popular in Japan.

                       In June 1992, three years and $1.05 million dollars later, the piece of junk was built. Once it was done, the people who were orignally so excited about it threw up in their own mouths. The tower was a massive disappointment and definitely did not change the skyline at only 106 feet tall. A few months later, the gigantic quincentennial event, named "Land Ho! Philadelphia Columbus Day Weekend" (lol), went off without a hitch. The grande finale of the weekend would be the official unveiling of this ugly steel fuckstick accompanied by a gigantic fireworks display.

From the celebration.

                   In 1993, the Pennsylvania Society of Architects gave it the Design Award for Excellence in Architectural Design. Venturi's ass must be covered in scars from how much its been kissed. Twenty years later, no one cares. The stupid monument just sits there collecting pigeonshit, barely noticed despite its "skyline changing" size. Some people make the mistake of attempting to read the wall of text found on all sides of it, which is stupid.

They crossed his name out! Pic from philart.net.

                        Among the labels Mathematician and Cartographer are crazy ones on the other sides like Naturalist and Charismatic Leader. There's some kiss-ass info about Columbus and the names of every last human being that had something to do with the creation of the monument. Among them, it says "the Honorable Vincent J. Fumo". Honorable? That alone is a reason this thing sucks.
                      We were supposed to get a Columbus's discovery-related memorial that would change the skyline, but instead we got a big metal pud. If it was dicks they wanted, they should have asked for a 500-foot statue of Columbus with 500 cocks that would snake all around the neighborhood with speakers at the tips that would forever play David Hasselhoff music. That would be more appropriate than this mess. Fuck.

Parking Garage of the Week-- May 9th

Interpark Parking Garage

1327 Locust Street

Craptonious.

                   This parking garage is a disgrace for numerous reasons. Its ugly, its big, its in a location that should have something better, and it replaced a goddamn Furness masterpiece. This is shit!!!
                 You read it right... this shitbird parking garage replaced one of Furness' greatest structures, his version of the Library Company of Philadelphia. Completed in 1880, it was a Megacastle of Librarian Cockcurls that graced the corner of Juniper and Locust for 60 years while the neighborhood was known as Library Row.

Imperial Fortress of Chancellor Kickass in 1899. Pic from the PAB.

                     In the 1930's, the Library Company was hurting for cash. They begrudgingly built their new HQ at 900 South Broad and everyone hated it. The organization started to go broke from lack of membership and gross mismanagement of finances. The Librarian of the period was an Englishman named Austin Gray. This dumbass barely knew what could be found in the library's collection and thought publishing a badly written history of the organization would garner support and raise funds. The idea failed.
                      In 1940, the money problems grew exponentially. Gray's new bright idea would get two birds stoned at once... knock down the money-draining but awesome Furness library and install a money-making surface parking lot.

The surface lot in 1948.

                   The lot became the third Luckless Lot of Library Row and was a smashing success. The Library Company had a Percentage Lease deal with the lot operator, so they collected a rent that was proportional to the lot's profits, which were HUGE. In 1949, profits were so good that the Library Company decided to build a massive parking garage on the site that could hold 541 cars. This, then, is the birth of this awful parking garage.
                  By 1952, the parking garage had paid for itself and the Library Company had more money than it could handle. A new Librarian who quit the Rosenbach, Edwin Wolf, took over Library Company and revamped the fuck out of it using the newly acquired riches. Eventually, they sold off the parking garage.

The garage is visible in the center of this image from 1959.

                     For six decades, the shitbird-ass mega-garage would continue to operate, all the way to here in the present. It has stood three years longer than the Furness Library Company building did. The lights in the word "PARK" out front barely work and the rear is a bum bathroom. Being that the facade was recently painted beige, it appears that this giant piece of dung is not going anywhere. The current owner, a Delaware-based company with a Scottsdale, Arizona address, bought the garage in May of 2000 for $10 and has been sitting on it ever since.
                    What a shitty garage. The location is zoned C-5, so a fucking skyscraper could go here if the owner had the balls to sell-off this parking goldmine to a developer with a Scrotum of Steel. I remember seeing a plan where this shitgarage and the Pigeonhole Parking building would be demolished and replaced with a skyscraper, but that was probably just a fantasy. One day, this 63 year old parking garage will meet its fucking maker and we'll get a nice building here. Don't get your fucking hopes up. 

Its just keeps going and going and going. I'd rather have a Furness.

Dead-Ass Proposal of the Week-- May 8th

South Bridge

734 Schuylkill Avenue

                  Hey! That's not a bridge! This proposal right here generated lots of excitement and anticipation but ended up falling to shit. While multitudes of successful building proposals and construction projects were (and still are) being built in Southwest Center City, this one was by far the most bold... and the most failed.
                 Read more later today at the Philadelphia Citypaper's Naked City Blog!!!