Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Butt-Fugly Building of the Week-- June 21st

1234 Market Street (a.k.a. The Greater Philadelphia Chamber of Commerce Building a.k.a. The SEPTA Building)

1234 Market Street

                 This building isn't even really that ugly, it's just fucking BORING. A big black reflective box. Really, it's just a space-filler. No one ever really notices it... it lives in between two beautiful buildings, the Wanamaker Store and the PSFS tower. If anything, being between those two buildings makes this Black Box of Never-Ending Boredom seem even MORE boring. Here's what was there before this crap building:

Nineteen Shitsky-Five. From Cardcow.com.
                  Ok, so it wasn't that great... but at least it wasn't boring. In the early 70's, the city was looking to show off to everyone by building a new city office building on a shitty stretch of Market East. It would be connected to the subway and the buildings surrounding it, linking with the new concourse between Reading Terminal and Suburban Station. It was gonna be badass. A modern high-tech office building on what was previously a crappy stretch of hoopty stores. There were such high hopes for this motherfucker...

See, in the rendering it doesn't look that bad because the windows are distinguishable from the building. Pic from the place described in the big-ass watermark.
Frank Rizzo inspecting a model of the future 1200 block of Market. Watermark.
The groundbreaking. Rizzo nonchalantly smashes a champagne bottle. Watermark.
Under construction. Watermark.
People signing a girder. Watermark.
                   ...and after all those hopes what do we get? A BIG FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT!! You have to understand that people really thought this shit was the future. They pictured this ultra-modern black crystal palace free of Philadelphia Grit... the thing that would turn Market East around. Why do you think there's so many pictures? People really were excited about this thing. Instead it ended up a piece of fuck. Just remember this one the next time a super-awesome Market East revitalization plan comes along. Just because there's happy people walking around in the rendering, it doesn't mean it won't be a piece of shit in a few years.
                  Once completed in 1972, The Chamber of Commerce moved in along with a bunch of other city offices. Then came SEPTA. In 1992, SEPTA needed a building. They had offices scattered across 4 buildings in the city and were fucking tired of it. They thought about building a skyscraper on top of the Gallery, but figured that would be way too fucking awesome. They bought 1234 in 1993 for 64.8 million dollars and has been there ever since.
              Recently, strictly for bragging rights, they spent MILLIONS and MILLIONS of dollars to make this Stinking Pile of Putrescence energy efficient. The EPA even awarded 1234 Market with it's Energy Star Label in 2010. Just remember that the next time you get mugged by a cockroach in one of SEPTA's decaying subway stations. You can say to yourself as the roach is eating your cell phone, "At least 1234 Market is 9% more energy efficient! FUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu"
             What is it with buildings named after their address? Be more creative next time, you fucks.


  1. Hahahahahahaha you are awesome. Dude, marry me.

  2. SEPTA and efficient should never be in the same sentence...ever.

    But at least they are efficient in two things, sort of. 1) Energy 2) Condensing 4 offices into one massively inefficient energy-efficient office building.

    Have you ever had to call that place? You get transferred around to 3 different departments then hung up on. Call back, play some more roulette, then finally get a brief (and rude, bonus!) response, then hung up on again.

    I'd rather be fisted with a spiked glove from the joker-looking lady that hangs outside market east station every morning than deal with mother fucking SEPTA!