Butt-Fugly Building of the Week-- March 8th

The Barnes Foundation Philadelphia Campus

2001 Ben Franklin Parkway

Those trees need to bloom right fucking now.

                     Man... I was really excited when I heard that the Barnes Foundation was moving to the Parkway. I'm not going to rehash all the drama that unfolded about the move, because fuck that, it's OVER! The motherfucker is almost done. Unfortunately, the building we ended up with looks... like... ASS!!!!!
                     THIS is what we were all waiting for all those years? THIS is what we get after winning World War Motherfucking TEN over moving the collection here? I remember the excitement I had waiting for renderings to come out for this thing. I kept thinking about how the old Barnes building was cool as fuck, so the new one would have to be cool as shit, right? Then the renderings were revealed in October of 2009.

Uh...

Wait a minute...

Yeah....

                     HORRIBLENESS. I started telling myself that it was good, just underwhelming in the rendering. I pretended that it wouldn't end up looking like a big white shipping container sitting on a suburban bank branch. Even as it started going up, I told myself that it'll look good. Well, now that its almost done, I can be assured it saying that it LOOKS WORSE THAN I EVER COULD HAVE FUCKING IMAGINED!!
                

Pictured: White shipping container on a suburban bank branch.

                Let me be fair... the building's not done yet. Maybe something will be different when its done... maybe that white box is covered with white craft paper on the inside that will be removed when its finished. Maybe the landscaping of the Zen Garden will be so badass that no one will notice the building... I'm fuckin' reaching here!!
                What's with that facade? All the time I've been writing this blog, I would rag on how buildings need to have stone facades again, like in the old days. Finally a new building comes along with a stone facade and all it ends up doing is proving me the fuck wrong. It looks like a kitchen counter. I thought it was bad when we were building stuff out of sidewalk, now we're building out of countertop!!
                 You know what would have been a good design for the new Barnes Foundation? THIS:

 Image from the Athenaeum of Philadelphia

                   That's right... they should have built a replica of the old Barnes building on the Parkway. It was designed by Paul Phillipe Cret, designer of plenty of other shit that's already on the Parkway, the old Barnes design would look perfect between his other masterpieces... which not only include buildings but also the lampposts and shit. Makes perfect sense right?? Instead, we all got dicked. Maybe some awesome piece of public art will distract away from the building... oh wait..

Those rendering people on the right are like "Let's get the fuck out of here!"

                      ...nope. That's all I can say about this mess. What a missed opportunity for something cool. What fucking bummer.

Lost Building of the Week-- March 7th

Western Saving Fund Society

1000 Walnut Street

Should have called it Second National Bank of Badassery.

                          Right here we have a cool-ass local bank building from the late 19th Century. When this thing was built, banks were a symbol of civilization and power in the city. Nowadays, bank branches and even some bank headquarters buildings look like any crappy suburban storefront. How the mighty have fallen.
                       In the 1840's, there was a shitload of banks in the city and MANY super-rich investors were profiting from them. Then, a new idea came along... a bank that would be considered "unselfish". On February 8th 1847, the state legislature chartered a new kind of bank, one without stockholders. This new bank was targeted to mechanics and tradesmen that lived in the western part of the city, which back then was anywhere west of 9th street. The name of the bank would describe this and the bank's main service:
saving money. It would be called the Western Saving Fund Society.
                      After 4 decades, the WSFS was doing so well that they commissioned Megatect to the Stars John Hamilton Windrim to design a Mega-Castle of Savings Kick-ass at the Southwest corner of 10th and Walnut Streets, at that time a residential neighborhood that was about to explode with progress. The granite ashlar fortress was completed in 1887. This banking mausoleum's location was one of the best in the city. The short-lived Central Business District was in transition from 8th and 9th Streets to the new one near the new City Hall.
                   The next two decades after the bank was built, the neighborhood it was in became a short-lived upperclass playground. Alterations of the facade took place in 1902 and 1909, spearhead by none other than the Furness and Evans Company firm. By 1910, the place was doing so well that an addition was built on the western side, designed by the original architect's son, John Torrey Windrim. He doubled the size of his Pop's masterpiece.

 Building as depicted on a celluloid "dime bank", whatever the fuck that is.

                  Even as the neighborhood started to fall into decline in the 1920's and 30's, the bank prospered. Branch offices started popping up all over the city, and huge bank buildings were constructed in Kensington and Frankford bearing their name. They even had a branch at the motherfucking Hale Building! Ads from the era brag about how you could open a savings account with them with just one dollar.
                After that, things started going to shit. The bank floundered and moved out to Haverford, PA in attempt to save its own ass, leaving the Tomb of King Moneybags behind. It was demolished in 1967 to make way for Jefferson University's semi-successful 1960's expansion. Moving to Haverford only delayed the inevitable... the bank was acquired by the Philadelphia Savings Fund Society in 1982. If the building was still standing today, it would be a really good-looking Citizen's Bank branch.
                  What a bummer. It would be great if this thing was still around. The crappy Jefferson dorm that replaced it can't hold a candle to the design of this Multi-Windrimed masterpiece. Thanks a lot, Jeff.

In its final days. 

Empty Lot of the Week-- March 6th

George W. Childs Lot

Southeast Corner of 22nd and Walnut

Goddammit!!

                      This lot is pitiful. This part of town has no damn excuse to have an empty hole like this at such a high traffic corner. For 42 years, this shitty lot has reigned supreme over what should be an awesome intersection. It becomes even worse when you find out what used to be there... a cool-ass historic mansion owned by one of the biggest-balled motherfuckers in Philadelphia history.
                    Read more on the Philadelphia City Paper's Naked City Blog!!!

Old-Ass Building of the Week-- March 5th

IRS 30th Street Campus (a.k.a Philadelphia General Post Office, a.k.a. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Processing and Distribution Center)

2970 Market Street

                      While the United States Postal Service is in decline (mainly because of this, the Internet), there was once a time when the Post Office was the most importance service in the country. This building represents that age in the city like no other...in the form of a giant Monolithic Art Deco Riverfront Fortress of Mail Distribution of Doom and Associated Apocalypses.
                 Read more at Hidden City Philadelphia!!

Butt-Fugly Public Art of the Week-- March 1st

Total Environment by Barbara Neijna

6th Street in front of Independence Place

I'm already bored with it. Pic from philart.net.

                       Ya know, I'm sure that the Percent-for-Art requirement was created with all the best intentions, but the shit we've ended up with from it SUCKS. This massive piece of shit right here makes me question the whole idea. What the fuck is it? It seems to consist of a bunch of white arches, curves, stairways to nowhere, and a big blank square. What ass.
                       This comes from a sad year for Philadelphia public art, 1986. It was then that the Independence Square condo complex needed to satisfy their Percent-for-Shit requirement. The Redevelopment Authority was just expecting a single sculpture in the middle of the plaza sort of like the one that would be placed in front of the Rittenhouse Hotel two years later. Makes sense right?
                       Enter artist Barbara Neijna. She envisioned a mini sculpture garden that would encompass the whole  180' x 180' plaza with "sculpture, trees, flowers, ornamental paving, and lighting" that would be symbolic of the ancient residential architecture of Society Hill. Somehow, this lead to a bunch of white scrap aluminum being strewn all over the place. How the fuck is that supposed to relate to Society Hill?

 Illogical.

                      This thing would work way better as a skate park. The first time I saw this piece of junk, that's what it was being used for. Back in my skateboard shop postal worker days (long story), I saw a video of skateboarder Mike Vallely skating on the halfpipe-looking part of this thing and fighting with the security guard. I tried my damnedest to find the video for this article, but I couldn't. If anyone out there has it or knows where I can find it, I'll add it. Maybe all this crap can be moved over to that skate park that's been planned (but never built) for the Schuylkill River Trail for the last 500 years.

The halfpipe on the right is what he was skating on. Pic from philart.net.

                   I don't understand why so many pieces of art have to be named so stupidly. This one is called Total Environment. Total Environment? Total Enasserment!!! How is a bunch of shitty aluminum a TOTAL environment? Its barely any kind of environment!! Should have called it White Aluminum From Your Ass. Motherfuckers.

Aerial photo of the Enasserment from Bing.

                              All that had to do was put a cool figural statue in the middle of that plaza and it would look just fine. The Rittenhouse Hotel one is pretty nice... it leaves room for plantings and doesn't beat you over the head with stupidity. The Percent-for-Fart requirement needs to establish some kind of standard so we don't end up scarring the streetscape with crap like this for decades. This shit is a Crapintosh Apple.

Lost Bridge of the Week-- February 29th

Chestnut Street Bridge

Spanning the Schuylkill River at Chestnut Street

Could have called it Spiderman Bridge

                         And now... time to present a Wonder of the Motherfucking World, the Chestnut Street Bridge. This cast iron motherfucker was a point of pride for Philadelphians, Pennsylvanians, Americans... actually it was a point of pride for all humans. This Triumphant Truss of Terror was one of Phillly's greatest treasures that we'll NEVER get back.
                         This beast was so cool-looking that it gave reason for people to walk down the Schuylkill Banks before they ever had a trail or a highway running along them. The motherfucker took nine years of preparation and five years to build.
                         It all started in 1852. The only bridges across the Schuykill that were any damn good were at Market Street and Spring Garden Street. Every other one was either a shitbag pontoon bridge or some crappy covered bridge that would get washed away in any bad storm. The two real bridges were getting to be over-run with traffic. On March 27th of that year, and act passed stating that there should be bridges built at Callowhill and Chestnut Streets, the streets next to the current bridges, to alleviate some of that shitty traffic.
                        Enter all-around badass Strickland Kneass, the city's chief engineer. He came up with an idea for a bridge at Chestnut Street that would blow the fucking socks off any other in the WORLD. While people once loved the high-tech offerings of the Wire Bridge at Fairmount, its day was over. A new bridge would be needed to impress engineering ninjas everywhere. Once Kneass presented his plan in 1857 (after at least two more Acts demanding it were passed), people went apeshit over everything about it.. except for the cost. Half a million bones.
                         In the 1850's, half a million dollars was like saying a billion bajillion dollars today. After three years, some money was thrown in by local railroad interests so the thing could just get built already. Construction began in 1860.
                         Then, right as preparations for the construction began, the city's Master Warden, Charles S. Wayne, said "Fuck you, Kneass! This is my river!! You're not putting coffer dams in the middle of it, you dirty bastard!!", and sued the fuck out of the city. His case was dismissed the day it went to trial. Ends up that the Master Warden's jurisdiction ends at the shoreline. The dumbass Chief Warden almost stopped this project from ever happening. After five long years of construction, the bridge finally opened on June 23rd, 1866... and it wasn't even really done yet.
                

                    The huge arch-shaped ribs spanning halfway across the bridge came in sets of eight and were 185 feet long each. It was figured that the heaviest load that could ever cross the bridge would only have 1/28th the weight to break an individual rib. The cast iron flexed a whole 2 and 5/16th inches. You could roll a fucking tank over this thing! Also, this beautiful bridge (briefly) had a deck of square granite blocks that must have looked pretty fucking cool.
                    Once open, this became THE way across the Schuylkill.  Philadelphia's newest bridge became the envy of the world and was referred to as a great specimen of design and engineering. As the decades passed, the bridge stayed in continuous use with very little maintenance. In 1911, the approaches to be bridge were widened to support the shitload of people that were all about crossing this bridge, despite the fact that newer alternate bridges had been built up and down the river by this point.
                    In 1956, ninety years after the bridge opened, a proposal to take it down and replace it with a  FUCKING HIGHWAY OVERPASS-looking piece of dogshit was floated around. Ends up the western abutment was standing in the way of progress.

From this...

to THIS. What a travesty.

                 Kneass' beautiful Chestnut Street Bridge got its ass destroyed in 1958, replaced with the piece of shit that's still crumbling there today. The next time you cross the Chestnut Street Bridge and notice how boring it is and how shitty the condition its in, just remember that the same piers once held up a magnificent crossing that was hailed by the motherfucking world.

Look at that shit... and you can see this week's Mystery Building on the left!

Here's the bridge at age 89. Just a reminder of when shit looked good.

                      On another note, I must announce that this will be the last Lost Bridge article. Get set to see a new category coming to every other Wednesday here on Philaphilia! 

                                                          -GroJLart, King of Philadelphia and France

Dead-Ass Proposal of the Week-- February 28th

Kimpton-Monaco Hotel & Boyd Restoration

1910 Chestnut Street

This could have been cool.

                   Its a shame this one never got built. This cool-looking hotel tower wasn't just going to be a fancy hotel in a neighborhood sorely in need of new some new shit... this was also going to be a restoration of Center City's last surviving old time theater palace, the Boyd. Despite the appearance of being a go, circumstances got in the way and this proposal is now as dead as a dead dog's dick.
                   Read more  on the Philadelphia City Paper's Naked City Blog!!!

-GroJLart, King of Philadelphia and France